What Change Will Come?

Now that I know I’ve gotten into the school I applied to, things are really starting to hit me. I started to look more into the student life of the school now, and it has me feeling kind of strange. Being back on a school campus is going to be so strange. First of all being 21, it’s going to be weird being in classes with kids 18 and up. Because I only completed one year of college, I am technically a Sophomore when I start in the fall. A 21 year old Sophomore. But I think the weirdest part is the feeling I get looking at pictures of student life there and activities. It’s like, it actually scares me. Not because I won’t know anyone or my way around, but because I’m so different then those kids are. I’ve already lived on my own for three years now supporting myself and working myself to the point of malnourishment and sleep deprivation to do it. I’ve had mental breakdowns from stress and over exhaustion. But no matter how bad things got down here, I don’t regret any of it. I’ve made some of the best friends I’ve ever had down here, but I’ve also struggled with some of the worst. I’ve felt on top of the world while standing with my toes in the sand on the best beaches in the country, but I’ve also felt so low I thought I was going to give up. No matter what has happened, bad or good, my time away from home has made me grow and mature so much in the past three years. I’m so proud of the person I am now, especially considering the person I use to be. I’m so much stronger now. I’m confident in myself and who I am and make no apologies for it. I’m honest and call people out on their bullshit when I know they need to be. I’m responsible but also care free and adventurous. I guess what I’m really scared of is losing everything. Losing myself to old memories and thoughts of what use to be when I lived in NH. Losing myself in the changes and differences I will feel between here and there. I don’t want to feel like I need to resort back to how things use to be. I just want to make myself aware of who I am and who I want to be. I need to stay away from people I knew in high school and all the bullshit that they come with. I want it to be my family, my boyfriend, and my best friend. Maybe I’ll make new friends along the way, but I want them to be like the friends I’ve made down here. Mature and independent. I want to focus on school especially hard, and focus on my job and my future. I want my life up there to still be about me. I don’t want to develop back my insecurities and fears. I want to continue to feel the way I do down here, only in New Hampshire. That’s all I want.

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