Lets Be Real

For a while now I’ve wanted to really buckle down and get serious with my blog. But I’ve been having trouble finding my footing and the motivation to write. Sometimes things just flow out of me, other times, I’m just not in the mood, but I blame that on being a restless person. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my future and what want. Not what my boyfriend wants, not what my parents want. Just me. I start school in less than a month, and I nearly drained my bank account today paying for my monthly school payment, and buying my text books. It got me thinking a little bit. I’m really excited to go back to school and I think I’m finally ready to be serious and work hard. But I hate being in debt. I am the person who feels they need to pay things off immediately. Not defer or take out loans. I hate having that weight on my shoulders. Right now is the slow season at my work. I work at one of the most popular, fine dining restaurants, in my state. Normally it’s very good money. But summer is our slow season and of course, that’s when I started. It is good though to get trained now so when busy season starts I’ll be ready. But I just have so much to pay for. $400 a month for school payments, $400 a month to my parents for my car, car insurance, and phone bill. And on top of all that, I’m looking for my own place, and housing here is NOT cheap. I’m not looking for much. I’ll live in a small studio as long as it’s in a safe area, has a washer and dryer in the building, allows cats, and is decently priced. I feel like that’s really not a lot to ask for. Waiting for business to pick up at work is rough right now, because as soon as I get paid, all my money is gone on school or car payments. It makes it hard to save up. Now you’re probably wondering why I don’t just stay with my parents where I can live rent free. Not that long ago, I was living on my own, working 2 jobs in Tampa, FL. I was independent, bought my own groceries, did what I want when I wanted, and I loved it. Now I’m stuck in a house with my mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law, niece, nephew, two dogs, and a cat. There is ZERO privacy or peace and quiet in this house. I hate sharing a bathroom, I hate living in a tiny room with boxes that take up half the space, I hate not being able to buy my own groceries because I have to be worried someone else will eat them. I hate waking up in the morning to what feels like a circus going on in the living room. I can’t live like this and feel like myself. I would rather be so broke and worried if I’m going to be able to make rent every month or not, than keep living in this house. I’m very close with my parents, but I’m 21 years old in a serious relationship, and I’ve already lived on my own. I can’t stay here. I understand that I will be here a while while I’m saving up to move out. My goal is to be out before Halloween. I’m going to have to deal with it until them. But I just feel unhappy all the time because I’m constantly dealing with things I don’t like to, and haven’t had to in a long time.
All this being said, I am trying to look at the bright side of things. My skin had basically plateaued and was clearing up, then breaking out, then clearing up. And then last week, it broke out REALLY bad because of a new moisturizer I was trying out. So I threw that out. But I go in for my Accutane consultation on the 29th and I’m so excited to get started with that. There’s a month waiting period, so I won’t actually start it until the end of September, but I can’t wait. I’m so excited to have one less thing stressing me out, and that thing has been my number one stressor for the past almost 5 years. I’ve done a ton of research on Accutane, don’t worry, but if you have severe acne like me, you know what it’s like to be desperate to clear it up and just feel confident again. I don’t care about the side effects, I’ve heard them all, and I plan to prepare myself for all of them ahead of time just in case I get hit with them. *I will be doing Accutane Experience posts on here when I start it*.
With the money situation, the bright side is, at least I can afford to pay for everything right now. It could be worse. I could not have the money to pay my school and car payments. But I do. And at least I know the money isn’t being wasted and that it’s going to something important.
If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you’ll know that when I originally moved home, I had the intentions of moving in with my boyfriend. But after a few events have taken place, I decided I’d be better off living on my own for another year. Just so I can focus on school, and have my own place, and feel like I’m getting my life back. We’re still together, we’ve just decided not to live together quite yet. But I’m actually excited to live on my own again. I like being alone. I like it almost to much. I like having my own space. And even though the lack of money, seems like a set back, I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe this will give me a chance to find the perfect place, or make sure I can handle school AND work before I make a big move. It just gives me more time to save up and figure out what I want in life. This may not be what I had originally planned, but I am excited for what the future holds for me. Life is exactly what you make it.

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