Somethings gotta give…

So much has changed over the past couple of years, mostly me. The current version of me is one that makes me very unhappy. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. Being in a serious relationship has changed me in ways I wish it hasn’t. I’m so depended on my boyfriend, and I’ve kind of become a boring person. I don’t do anything and things that excite me, are actually boring. I’m about to be 22 and I know that’s not old, but I am an adult and only getting older, but I still want to feel young with a lack of cares and responsibilities. This country/world is slowly going to shit, so why should I have to be unhappy just because my age tells the world I’m an adult. I don’t want to be immature, but I want to feel free like no one controls me but me.
Sometimes I think I’d be a lot happier being single. I love my boyfriend so much, but sometimes I think the more I love him, the less I love myself if that makes sense.
When I was single living in Florida, I definitely had struggles, but I was happy. I liked how I looked, I liked the life I lived, I liked my style, my friends, honestly I liked everything about my life. Now, I hate how I look, I hate my style and I don’t even know what it is anymore. I have no close friends that I can constantly be hanging out with, I just have my boyfriend. I’m stressed out about money and school, I never have time to do anything, I don’t have the money, and even if I had both of those things, there’s nothing to do here.
Moving home from Florida is the worst decision I’ve ever made for myself. I wish I could take everything back.
I guess I’m just trying to figure out how to keep a good relationship with my boyfriend, but also go back to being more independent and happy with myself. I just want to at least feel okay with myself until I can get back to Florida.
I want to be carefree and relaxed again. I have become more uptight since being home too. I over plan my life out, I over control situations, and I overthink things for no reason. Stupid things. I just need to chill out and realize everything going on in my life right now besides school, isn’t THAT important. I’m overthinking and over doing everything. I need to go back to doing what I want instead of what I feel obligated to do. I need to do things on my own again and not worry about doing things as a unit with my boyfriend. We don’t have to do everything together. As much as I loved doing things with him, I need to become less reliant on it. It’s too much. I need to just act how I acted when I lived on my own instead of acting like my boyfriend and I are married.
Things I do that bother me:
Expect my boyfriend to come everywhere with me
Try to get done at work as soon as possible instead of making the most money possible
Sit around and do nothing (I could work out or do something productive.

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