Getting anxiety about getting anxiety

Today is the first day of spring semester for me. I go to a liberal arts school, and I really like it here and I do really well academically. However, I get the WORST anxiety while I’m actually in class. I’ve only has one class today, but it was a marathon to get through.
I get to class and my mind is automatically everywhere. “Will I get a nose bleed in class?” “I hate speaking in front of the class” “I feel like I’m going to pass out”. I think all these things. I literally get anxious about getting anxious. Then I feel like my heads spinning, and I start to feel like I could pass out. I’ve eaten, I have water, I try to breath, but nothing really works. It comes in and out. I definitely should sit closer to the door of the classroom just in case something actually happens or I need to leave.
I haven’t had anxiety like this since high school. I didn’t even have it my first year of college. Honestly, I think it has a lot to do with being on accutane. I know that the medication can cause nose bleeds and I’ve gotten two within the last week, but now I’m nervous I’m going to get one in class. And the medication itself can cause anxiety. And then I think I just over think it instead of just relaxing and taking things for what they are.
I’m trying not to worry to much about nothing, and stop letting my anxiety get the best of me, but I’m already itching to get out of here and go to work. That’s how bad my anxiety is… it makes me excited for work because I know I won’t be anxious. And why am I anxious about getting a nose bleed in class? I’m not worried about it when I’m at work… Like who actually gives a fuck here? I know I’m a good student, and I’m an adult. I shouldn’t worry about what kids think, and I can sit here and tell myself all this, but yet I still get anxiety.
I have to remember that almost everything in my life is under my control. Maybe getting a nose bleed in class isn’t, but how I handle it is. I can get up and leave class if I want if I don’t feel well due to anxiety, as long as I email my professor afterwards and let him know what happened. I almost want to email my advisor to let him know I’m having this problem just so that the administration is aware that I’m trying, but sometimes I just can’t do it. I missed a lot of class first semester, and I still finished with all A’s and B’s. I always keep up with my work.
It’s just hard because I know why I get like that and that I shouldn’t, and I can even tell myself why I shouldn’t, but I lose control of my body. I can say and do whatever I want, especially in college. I need to remember that I am older and have been through a lot more than these kids, and they shouldn’t be worrying about what I do anyway.
I’m also currently listening to an audiobook called “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” and it relaxes me. Just really focusing on what the author is saying and applying it to my situation. It makes me feel like I’m not alone and that I can change anything I want in my life. I just need to realize that my anxiety stems mostly from a medication I’m on that will be done in 2 and a half months, and that everything else is just me overthinking.
I honestly think some of it has to do with the fact that I feel separated from my real life when I’m here at school. There’s no one here I know well and feel totally comfortable with, I’m unfamiliar with the area, and it’s not my type of environment (Cold and secluded). All this makes me feel like I don’t know myself. But then I go home and I hangout with my boyfriend and my cat, and I go to work where I have friends, and I feel myself again (mostly). I just have to remember to finish out the school year strong, get through the summer, and then I’ll be back down in Florida.
Also, I’ll be in back in Florida for spring break, so that’s the next light at the end of the tunnel.

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2 thoughts on “Getting anxiety about getting anxiety

  1. I liked reading your post, the anxiety of anxiety is horrible and I can totally relate. I find it impossible to argue (with anxiety) because it’s illogical. As you explained already there are loads of reasons why it shouldn’t be happening. I hope it gets better – keep us posted!

    Like

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